So we’re all pretty grossed out by Seth MacFarlane’s “boob song” at the Oscars last night. Well, joke’s on you MacFarlane, ’cause now you get the honour of being the target of our latest Fashion & Slut-Shaming Revenge Fantasy…
STARRING: Charlize Theron, Kristen Stewart, Meryl Streep, Naomi Watts, Nicole Kidman, Marisa Tomei, Helen Hunt, and Scarlett Johansson.
Seth MacFarlane finishes his stupid song, and the audience is silent. Charlize Theron and Naomi Watts are clearly unimpressed, and they should be–they’re Oscar winners and nominees, and he’s some lowly TV guy who barely made headlines until making them for being a sexist moron.
“Oh crap…” the Oscars directing team panics from their out-of-sight production box. They scramble, and cut to commercial. “Damnit people, why did we let this happen!” They shout to one another and immediately start to brawl, unfortunately turning their eyes away from the audience…
Taking advantage of the opportunity, Watts and Theron push away anxious makeup artists and march up on stage together, and drag a stammering MacFarlane off stage. As she does, Theron winks at Kristen Stewart and Nicole Kidman, both of whom immediately get on their phones.
“I-I-I didn’t think…” he stammers. “Damn right you didn’t,” says Watts kneeing him in the back as Theron throws the whimpering host to the ground as soon as they have him off stage.
They are relieved of their burden quickly enough. As it turns out, Kidman and Stewart were quickly contacting numerous important people, and before MacFarlane realizes it, his career is destroyed.
But back to the action.
Watts and Theron escort their pathetic target to the exit doors, where he is quickly shoved into the back of an SUV, only to find himself sandwiched uncomfortably between Helen Hunt and Marisa Tomei, who he can’t help but notice are looking particularly fit and angry. “You worthless slime,” hisses Tomei, “Look what’s become of you already,” and she throws a phone at MacFarlane, whose eyes widen and water as he realize the PR nightmare concocted my Kidman and Stewart. “Please, I was just trying to be funny,” he begs, starting to blubber and cry. His suit is a complete mess. Hunt rolls her eyes, “Pfft, and they think that it’s the men who run Hollywood. Well you just wait, ” she says, shoving him into the side of the car hard. MacFarlane crumples, and stays collapsed against the car door for the remainder of the ride while Hunt and Tomei laugh and read choice headlines of his demise aloud to him.
After what seems like hours, Tomei opens the door, and Hunt shoves MacFarlane out of the car, he lands pathetically on the concrete of what appears to be a Wal-Mart parking lot. Before he can turn to ask, Hunt and Tomei throw water balloons out the window at him, and laugh as the SUV screeches out of the parking lot.
He is alone. But not for long.
He sits their weeping like a child, and suddenly, as if appearing out of nowhere Scarlett Johansson stands before him. She spits in his face, then drags him forcibly up from the ground. She pushes him, making him walk forward into an ominous-looking warehouse. MacFarlane pleads, “Please! Tell me what’s going on! Are you going to kill me??” Johansson shoots him a steely gaze, but is silent. She smirks slightly, her lack of talk completely unnerves MacFarlane and before ling he is completely losing it screaming, “Help! Please! I’ll give you the rights to my shows! I’ll give you my car, my house!” Johansson stops. “There’s only one thing we want,” she says in a dangerously quiet voice, “Your dignity.” And she shoves MacFarlane through the doorway of a the completely dark warehouse.
The doors slam behind him, he is alone in the dark, Johansson seems to have disappeared like smoke. The lights come on, MacFarlane is temporarily blinded, and there, sitting calmly on a stack of crates is Meryl Streep.
He realizes this is the end of the road. “Please, Please Ms. Streep, I’m sorry, it was a stupid song, I should never have gone into media and entertainment, I-I-I….” Streep cuts him off with a wave of her hand:
The lights go out again.
MacFarlane is never seen again. All of his shows are taken off the air and never spoken; it is as if he never existed.
The next year Charlize Theron, Kristen Stewart, Meryl Streep, Naomi Watts, Nicole Kidman, Marisa Tomei, Helen Hunt, and Scarlett Johansson are mysteriously put in charge of the Oscars. It is the best show ever. They hire Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph to host it, Tina Fey and Mindy Kaling are in charge of the press and red carpet, and the whole world is surprised by how humorous the show is, and how well-represented the women of Hollywood are for the first time ever.